Martha Stewart sucks.

First — we share initials. Even if I change my last name to Jesse’s, we’ll still share initials. Blah. (This is the least of my worries, but I noticed it and it irritates me further.)

Second — I’m NOT having a Martha Stewartish wedding, but she’s built up expectations for so many people I’m certain our wedding will be a big disappoint to our guests. Stupid woman.

Third — Does ANYONE really CARE how the ADDRESSES look on ENVELOPES that are going to be THROWN AWAY?! We don’t have inner envelopes! What does that mean? Is it something sexual? Is it like an inner goddess? (yep…that’s a 50 Shades reference — can’t escape it even if you didn’t like it.) Does the name order really matter? Dude first, lady first? Kids, I don’t care. If you bring your kids, they better behave or I’ll throw something at them. Simple as that, you know? And calligraphy, seriously? Can the postperson even READ calligraphy?! Just another way to convince me that I need to spend even more money.

Fourth — Wedding favors? Isn’t it enough that I’m feeding everyone? Do I really need to buy  stupid chotchkies that NO ONE will ever use again to give to our guests?! Apparently I do because Martha Stewart and the WEDDING INDUSTRY says I do. We’re letting corporate American plan our weddings these days, ya’ll! WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?!

Seriously…this wedding industry crap makes me feel like a bad woman because I don’t want all the centerpieces and favors and fancy cakes and junk. I want a dress and pretty hair and to be married to the most amazing man on the planet. But instead of focusing on the fun party aspect, I’m stressing about not being GOOD ENOUGH and being judged by people that we’re INVITING TO SHARE OUR GLORIOUS DAY!

I’m very stressed about all of this. I’ve been having wedding-related dreams/nightmares.

I didn’t think this would happen, but it is. Thank the universe for sites like the frugalbride that pretty much say do whatever you want. It makes me feel just a smidge better.

Oh…and our Justice of the Peace cancelled because his freakin’ nephew is getting married the same day. The good news is that he’s nice and is trying to find us a different judge. I called him this morning…no other judge yet. Crap.

11 thoughts on “Martha Stewart sucks.”

  1. This reminds me of how much I wish I’d followed by brother’s example and had a BBQ reception. He and his wife wore aprons and jumpsuits (don’t ask) and just cooked hot dogs and hamburgers and hung out with people. It was relaxed and fun. I went more traditional, but I definitely agree you skip out on what makes you unhappy and don’t worry about what people expect!

  2. Melissa, pookie… Take it from someone old hat at this wedding thing, ok? Twice down the aisle gives me some perspective…
    1. No engraved napkins. Just crap from Party City-people are going to wipe tears, blow noses and clean up spills with them, then throw them away. No engraved napkins.
    2. No favors. Potentially to your party, of course, but no one else. No one likes Jordan almonds that much anyway! You are feeding these people and allowing them the privilege of coming to your big day. No tchotchkes. Do you really think you’d be able to provide a favor for each guest that is commensurate with all your toasters and towels that you’ll be getting anyway??
    3. Calligraphy on the envelope? Are you kidding? Honey, that’s what they make clear address labels for!
    4. Nope, you don’t need an inner envelope. More crap for the landfill is NOT the way to remember your wedding.
    5. The wedding industry is around just to make money, not to ensure you the happiest day on earth. The things that will make you the happiest are the things that you consider important, not what anyone else requires! My second time around, I wore a gorgeous GREEN formal gown, flip flops, pink streaks in my hair. One of my good friends did my makeup, another friend who is an incredible photog did our pics, another friend who bakes made an amazing and quirky cake for all of our guests, and a couple of the guys helped grill the sliders in the backyard that I had prepped in advance. We had one HELL of a good party, and I’m grateful that no one was able to get a picture of me the morning after. I have the world’s most awesome DJ, should you need a reference! He plays games, does trivia, and digs me, so he can’t be all that bad!

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